I’m at the perfect age (35) where you’re neither old nor cool. In fact, 35 is probably the utter nadir of coolness. Plus I’m tired, punchy, and in need of a laugh, even if I end up being the only one laughing.
In a sorry attempt to make parenting sound cool – or to, more likely, look even lamer than I already am – I decided to talk about various parenting things I do during the day by rearranging the names of skateboarding tricks in whatever way I saw fit.
[In case you are wondering, I can’t even stand up straight on a non-moving skateboard.]
Fakie to a 360 fastplant with a backside grab – how a diaper gets changed around here when the child is expressing his unwillingness
Caveman latte flip into a 360 shuvit – how my day usually starts
Mute grab to a frontside plant – some unintelligible movement related to the snooze bar
Saran wrap fakie to stalefish backflip – what happens when I open the refrigerator door to discover food we forgot was in there
180 goofy foot to an axle stall – what happens when your screaming kid distracts you from the giant thing in the road you’re about to run over
Slob air to handplant into a frontside air wallplant pretzel flip – what happens when your bedroom is a federal disaster area and you step on one painful object only to jump and land on another, and another; lather, rinse, repeat until you eventually hit the floor in a heap swearing like a sailor
Scarewalk into a tailstall – that sudden realization that you no longer have any idea what you came into the room to do
50-50 nosegrab to Novacaine shifty – what happens when your toddler suddenly becomes extremely fascinated with your nostril with 90-year-old-long-white-haired-skinny-kung-fu-old-dude-master speed and destructive force
540 slappy grind with a Godzilla flip – something I’m seriously contemplating ordering next time I go to Starbucks just to watch their reaction
Casper disaster to a hospital flip – what happens when I’m walking around in the dark and step on a wooden block tower left on the carpet by the J-Man
Mute sidewinder handplant into a shuvit shuffle – the process of allowing other judgmental parents to talk to the hand right before I blow them off
If you young folks want to complain, remember, I’m older and I have more insurance.